On my previous blog post I talked about a profound dream experience I had in 2005. There are actually two parts to that story, so I shall start by telling you what preceded the dream.
In 2002 my dear nan died at the age of 78. I was 21 years old and I had no idea that her death would leave such an impact on me, in more ways than I could imagine. Before I tell the story, I would like to point out that my nan apparently had mediumistic gifts, however this was something that was never talked about. Sadly, I only found this out after her death. Nan’s name was Rosemary and I shall address her as that as I tell her story.
It’s hard to know exactly how to feel when you have spent the last few days, watching someone you love slip away from a very long and drawn-out process, putting yourself in their shoes (I thought a lot at that time about what her reality was like, was she lucid? Did she know exactly what was going on?), and in the shoes of those very closest to her, her children and her husband. Rosemary’s lungs were filling up with fluid and giving her a death that the anti-smoking campaigners love to scare you about. Truth is, if you smoke twenty a day, for most of your adult life and are unlucky, chances are, you probably might go that way…or you might not. Unfortunately for Rosemary, it wasn’t a quick heart attack. It was emphysema. She was one of the strongest women I knew, and was having a full on Jedi style battle with the grim reaper every day, for weeks on end, she was not giving up without a fight.
On the day of her death, my sister and I had left my mum (her daughter) and my dad and my granddad at the hospital whilst we came home around 9ish to get some sleep. We were both exhausted and just wanted to go to bed, but also in that state of limbo, knowing that our Nan’s time on this earth plane was getting shorter.
We both went upstairs around eleven, me in my room and my sister in her bedroom that was next door to mine. Those were the days when I lived at home with my parents, where all of my most precious possessions were cooped up with me in my little room.
I closed my eyes and expected sleep to take forever, it didn’t, and I was gone instantly. It felt like I had been asleep for hours, only to be rudely awoken, by what I can only describe was the sound of my own voice calling my name.
Yes, I heard my own voice call me, externally, in my room: “Tanya, wake up!”. Just like that. Let me stress, I was not dreaming. This was very very different from a dream. The clarity of it, to this day, was breathtaking. The voice was direct, my eyes suddenly opened and were wide and alert, not even drowsy or tired, literally I was called and I sprung into action. So I was awake, after hearing that voice, and then I started to feel. Bear with me on this, as I now need to try and put into words one of the most remarkable experiences of my entire life. I had an instantaneous “knowing” that Rosemary had just passed over on to the other side….and she was in my sister’s bedroom. I knew Karley was fast asleep and had no idea that my Nan was with her, watching her as she slept, a quick goodbye to her lovely granddaughter. I felt Nan’s energy move, along the hallway and into my room. At this point, to tell you that I was scared, is an understatement. As profound and amazing this experience was, I have to admit that I was petrified as the feeling of knowing that my Nan was there, in ghost form or whatever you would like to call it, well, it freaked me out like nothing has ever done. So I did what all aspiring mediums would do, I put the covers over my head and closed my eyes. She was there, in my room, I know that if I had looked I would have seen her as clear as an alive human being walking around. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am now at myself for not looking. But you need to understand that I was taking in this experience and had a lot of emotion going on all at the same time.
I felt my Nan’s love and her goodbye. No words were needed. The feeling I had told me enough. It was like a telepathic communication, I knew with a certainty that I’ve never been able to obtain since, that she was there to tell me she had died. Then she gave me the most beautiful present. She gave me a little glimpse into her new world. As she said goodbye I felt the feeling from the spirit world, and it was the most powerful yet peaceful feeling of love blended with light and knowing, and safety, where no fear could ever exist. The kind of warmth and brightness that a moth will flutter too, the kind of place that had she of asked “Tanya would you like to come too?” I would have quite happily gone and left all of my earthly connections behind. The only feeling that compared to that was the one I got once she had left as it was just as strong but the polar opposite of what I had just experienced. Darkness, cold, my room, sharp and clear reality. Matter, material matter, earth matter, human matter. The difference between these two feelings was enormous. Light and dark, cold and warmth, ying and yang, however you want to term it – what she gave me was an insight into the spirit world and I am so grateful and thankful for that, as she has certainly eliminated any fears I ever had about dying.
Once I felt her energy leave, I pulled the covers from my head and quickly scrambled for the bedside light. I had to know the exact time; I had to know when she passed. I switched on the light, shoved my glassed on and squinted at the clock. 1.48am. Then I looked at my phone. “Dad’s going to call me” just popped into my head. Before I knew it, I was shouting out to my sister. “Karley wake up!”.
I heard her muffle my name “what’s wrong?”.
“Nan has died. Dad is just about to call us now and tell us.”
“What? How do you know?”
“She was just here! He is just about to call me….” I was cut off by the phone ringing.
“I’m sorry Tanya, she’s gone” came my dads voice.
“I know dad! What time? What time did she pass?”
“About 1.45ish” he said.
The next morning, when I saw my mum, I could not believe how this whole agonising process had physically changed her. My poor mum had aged about ten years; the grief had wrapped its arms around her and consumed her. I told her about my experience, and then she told me about hers. That’s what’s amazing about spirits and the intelligence they have, as when my Nan was visiting me, and my “inner voice or spirit guide” was calling my name, so was my mums. She was the only one at my Nans bedside and had then fallen asleep. As Nan passed away, my mum was also alerted to awaken, just as I had been. She also felt the warmth, the love and light, she described the same breathtaking feelings. What Nan, the “spirit” Nan had done was pretty incredible. She was able to connect her spirit to my spirit, to my mum’s spirit so that at her exact time of death, both mum and I were awoken and experiencing the same thing but in our own individual environments. We both agree that we were so lucky to have felt what we did and to now have a knowing that the spirit world really is a place of such beauty and above all, such love.
This was really the start of my journey. I feel blessed and privileged that at a young age, I found out that when you die, it is not the end. I know there are people reading this that will try hard to piece together the logical and scientific explanations of what I experienced. That is perfectly fine because in this life, you walk your own path and you need to be guided and trust your own experience, you don’t have to believe what people tell you. I’m at peace with that because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when we die, our soul leaves our body as energy and joins a different place, one that our human minds find incredibly difficult to access. But….its there.
Rosemary did visit me again, and that’s the second part of my story which I will post soon!
I’ve loved writing about this, because it has taken me back to one of the most special times in my life and I’m so grateful that nan decided to share it with me, however, I don’t think I could ever do it justice, as it really was too beautiful to put into words.